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i need to bitch for a moment…we’re hiring

Posted

first, i’d like to say i’m probably not a great “hiring manager”. i haven’t (personally) hired that many people…maybe 10-20. so i guess as a bit of insurance for someone saying “you’re not doing it right!!”…yeah, probably not.

now that that’s out of the way, i posted a job (brand manager) a few days ago and it is making me more miserable than anything in recent memory. the following – in no particular order – is driving me insane…if you’re currently applying for a job somewhere, maybe some of this is relevant…but i really hope not:

  • meaningless job description buzzwords
    •           “achieved synergies within core competency of day-to-day disruptive leverage utilization”
    •           that doesn’t make you look smart, it makes you look insecure.
  • meaningless accomplishments without context
    •           “increased sales of X by 140%”
    •           that means fucking nothing!!! relative to what expectation?….maybe the goal was 200%. relative to what market context?…maybe your competitors all increased 300%. relative to what production growth or restraints?…maybe ops overcame a production hurdle. it’s an insult to my intelligence that the assumption is X growth is 100% correlated to your effort.
  • horrible formatting on resume
    •           i don’t mean “not my preference font”. i mean extra blank pages, gross grammatical mistakes, foreign characters and shapes and shit…how can you graduate magna cum laude and misspell magna cum laude…madness!!
  • no cover letter
    •           even a “i’d love to discuss the opportunity” would be better than nothing…it’s like sending a dick pic in your first text to a blind date…for the love of god, ease into it a little.
    •           although, i’m not sure which is worse, no cover letter or the horribly formatted copy and paste cover letter where everything is the same font except the words “downeast cider house” and “brand manager”…at least your incompetence shines through so i don’t have to waste my time to see your resume is 4 pages of double-spaced buzzword garbage with 3 blank pages tossed in at the end.
  • the in-person resume drop-off
    •           get the fuck out of here you selfish asshole! that doesn’t show you want the job more than everyone else, it shows an extreme lack of awareness and respect for people’s time.
  • number 1 reason to hire me: i love your cider!
    •           that’s awesome, but insane rationale. i love myers and chang but i have no business in their kitchen.
  • similarly…”i’m a borderline alcoholic” for your cider
    •           not joking, gotten this more than once and uhhhh…seek help? i think i’d actually have a bigger problem hiring someone who doesn’t see sliiiiiigghhht imperfection of that joke than a raging alcoholic.
  • “i’m a marketing guru/virtuoso/genius/etc…”
    •           you’re a fucking clown. calling oneself a genius with a straight face is an assurance that one is not a genius.
  • “STOP YOUR SEARCH! I’M YOUR GUY/GAL.”
    •           oh thank god, i was getting tired of looking and with such a witty, brave, and ABSOLUTELY FUCKING ORIGINAL subject line, how could i possibly continue to look.
  • “forget about a resume, let me tell you…”
    •           i actually like this one. it’s not clever or bold. it’s an easy identifier for “not qualified”. appreciate the time-saver.
  • “i know i don’t have what you asked for, but…”
    •           now that i think of it, who needs a “good education” and “relevant experience” when i could have someone that can recite the alphabet backwards in less than 30 seconds…
  • “what, exactly, did you mean by ‘not the experience we are looking for’?”
    •           you’re a junior in college and your only work experience is camp counselor when you were 13…how the fuck is that unclear?
  • “and did i mention i went to harvard?”
    •           fuck you…but fine, we’ll talk…but still fuck you.

ugh.

edit: oh yeah. if you’re interested in making me more miserable: see brand manager

-ross

cupid 40 hands, joey dog nuts, and shenanigans on the slinger’s thread

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slinging cider can be a lonely gig at times which is why we have the cider slinger’s text thread. enjoy some selections from the past week or so.

joe and carolyn doing something, i won’t ask questions:

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taking the growler for a legal test-drive, also won’t ask questions…also don’t need to:

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perhaps our first serious HR situation….max bullying joe relentlessly:

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hmmm….max bullying another joe…note to self, be nice to max:

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the valentine we all dream about…cupid 40 hands:

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it usually isn’t ironic

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i’ve got one hand in my pocket, and it’s not ironic in the least bit

*warning, it is HIGHLY unlikely you’re going to look back on this read as a worthwhile investment of your time.

Image result for alanis morissette 1990s

this has been bleeding my dry the last couple weeks. if cambria hears me complain about alanis morissette’s ‘ironic’ one more time, she’s gonna go back to boston early.

like every normal human being, 3-10 times per week i find myself ripping though a chorus of…it’s like raaaaeeeeaaaaainnn on your weddiiiiiiiiing dayyyyyyy!!*when it hits me every time: that’s not irony. rain on your wedding day is inconvenient, but it’s not ironic!

(*you just crushed it in your head. i know you did. it felt good though, right?…like raaaeeeeaaaiinnnn…)

irony is when something happens opposite the expectation. a rainy wedding is a very real possibility. if you are having your wedding at a special place in the desert that hasn’t rained for 10 years, and it rains: boom, ironic. normal wedding rain: inconvenient.

so without further adieu, something i need to know and am exploring as i type, how many of alanis’s ironic situations are actually ironic? let’s find out:

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day

yes, ironic…morose though

It’s a black fly in your Chardonnay

hell no! what, because it’s a white wine and a black fly? as opposed to another colored fly? waiter hands a table their wine glasses. one has a black fly in it….a million times that could happen and nobody responds: “oh, how ironic.” nobody.

It’s a death row pardon two minutes too late

closer, but still not ironic.

It’s like rain on your wedding day

we went over this. no.

It’s a free ride when you’ve already paid

no.

It’s the good advice that you just didn’t take

no:
“you should stand up for yourself.”
(gets scolded at work, says nothing)
….i fail to see irony in that.

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids good-bye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
“Well, isn’t this nice.”

yes, ironic. yes, morose

A traffic jam when you’re already late

nope. that’s sometimes referred to as “going from bad to worse”.

A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break

that’s only ironic in a specific, unlikely situations, like if the sign was in proximity to a cigarette plant. no.

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife

totally situational, but i say no. why are there 10,000 spoons without a knife? that’s not happening at random. maybe you’re at a warehouse that just took in a pallet of spoons. and you need a knife for a sandwich? well, maybe that’s a little ironic.

It’s meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife

how old is he? if he’s truly the man of someone’s dreams, he’s probably more than capable of finding a wife. it’s not unlikely that he’s be married. no.

so there are 2 dead guys subjected to tragically ironic deaths, spoons, and a bunch of misfortunate situations. either alanis isn’t 100% clear on the difference between irony and misfortune, or she’s legitimately asking.

-ross

lower case letters

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earlier today we posted that anyone who finds a grammatical mistake on our website would get a free growler deposit.

and in came an avalanche of complaints about our use of capitalization…or lack thereof.

it’s a very simple explanation. i, ross brockman, don’t like the use of mixed upper and lower case letters. all lower is fine. all upper is a little intense, but fine. mixed: sucks. does that make me an insane person? sure. But I’d rather be insane than have stuff looking like this…hurt just to write that.

that’s all.

ps – there are no words to describe the skiing in park city right now. well, there probably are, like a description of the many feet of snow that we’re getting or some description of what it’s like to ski lift-access untracked, waist deep powder from first chair to last…but i’m too tired because i’ve been skiing many feet of lift-access untracked, waist deep powder from first chair to last.

-ross

more please

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james joel college basketball uncprovidence

-ross

(via noah)

sun?

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for the first time in a week, i see the sun. unlike boston, that’s a good thing…means it’s been snowing. i hate to do this to all the east coast riders, but…the east SUCKS….(for skiing) compared to this stuff. it just does. i know it hurts to hear, but it ain’t close.  i went out for a few runs this morning. knee deep powder. bluebird skies. nobody on the mountain. i had to turn my back on untracked powder to go back to work. but guess what? it’ll be there tomorrow. dang…

i took this video yesterday, midday. video always makes stuff look flat, but there was good pitch, totally untracked, light, deep. i couldn’t believe it…it was just sitting there. run after run.

untouched-glades

if that was somewhere on the east coast, people would be on that like vultures….planet of the gapes. jerry w. would have his 7 kids sliding down, crying, losing equipment…god bless utah.

-ross

Why I Moved to Park City

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park-city

it’s day 1 here in park city, utah. we got in last night, having taken a few days to drive out from boston to find it had been a pretty good day of skiing according to our property mgr. it was still snowing, i checked the weather report and we were expected to get another 8 inches or so that night. i woke up this morning to find out the storm system had stalled over the cottonwoods and when we opened the door, there was TWO FEET(!!) of utah’s finest waiting outside. i re-checked the weather and it’s looking like we’re expected to get another foot or two on thursday.

let me back up. last year, my wife and i were in colorado skiing. i hadn’t done a lot of skiing since we started downeast (the winter of 2013 i took 2 crappy runs at sunday river and that was it). we were sitting at a mid-mountain lodge at the end of a great day. the sun was shining and i mentioned to cambria that “this is what i’d always rather be doing.”

back up again. i grew up skiing. from before i can remember, my dad would pack us in the car saturday morning, maybe around 5 AM (4 if going to VT). i used to sleep in my ski stuff so my dad would just pick me up, still sleeping, dump me in the car, and i’d wake up 4 hours later at killington. i eventually got into racing, where i skied out of cannon NH (one of the best in the east if you don’t mind extremely cold temps), skipping school every friday to train for the races that weekend. next was a ski school where skiing was first, school second. i spent a year before college on the road racing…colorado, europe, south america. i eventually settled at bates college to finish my skiing “career”.

starting downeast cider was a time-consuming activity to say the least and i basically quit skiing…part because time, part cost, and part burn-out. i’d been skiing over a hundred days a year for a long time. training. tiny, cold boots. long hours on the road. long hours of tuning. long hours of video analysis. long hours in the wight rooms.

but i digress: “this is what i’d always rather be doing”. and cambria said, “why not?” that was all it took. both of us do work that can be done remotely. why not? that afternoon, still in colorado, we started looking at apartment rentals. it took us less than a week to put a deposit down on a place in park city utah. neither of us have been here before last night, but its reputation speaks loudly. the town of park city is known as one of the best, most lively ski towns in the world (playing host to sundance film festival every jan) and the snow in utah is some of the most bountiful, dry snow in the world.

so here we are, waiting for the sun to come up like a couple of kids on christmas, and santa’s brought 2 feet of the good stuff.

– ross

“I don’t have the time…”

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…is a steaming pile of bs.

a few years ago, i was reading over some emails and i noticed that we were responding to donation requests that we were turning down: “…sorry, but we aren’t able to help you this year…” and i thought that was lame of us. we were able to donate, we weren’t out of money, we were just being selective on what donations we were making, and a few didn’t make the cut. the correct answer was, “…we will not help you this year…” it sounds a little crueler, but it’s also more honest. i made it a point to change our language with these responses.

i feel the same way when someone tells me (or i tell someone) “i don’t have the time” …it’s a cop-out. everyone has the exact same amount of time. barack obama has the same amount of time as the chump in their mom’s basement:* 24 hours/day. the only variable is how we use our time.

so what we really mean when we say “i just don’t have the time” is “i choose not to spend my time on that”. obviously there are some instances where we truly do not have the time, but most of the time, we’re trying to cover a choice with a white lie.

– ross

*i think technically, due to space-time relativity, people at higher altitudes have less time than those at lower altitudes (and people in the ISS)…but that’s microscopic and pointless semantics.

fart jokes: a time and a place

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as the adage goes: “try to be everything to everyone…end up nothing to no one.” so let me state it for the record…downeast cider house is not above fart jokes. never have been. never will be. is everyone in the world on board for fart jokes? nope. are we going to lose customers due to our support of fart jokes? ‘fraid so.

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-ross

the power of marketing

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*disclaimer, there are no “political opinions” below…just marketing curiosity.

i’m not a politics guy. don’t care for it. don’t spend much time thinking about it. despite my apathy, of few bits of this crap have been jammed in my face over the past few months…and by far, the most interesting thing to me is the power of marketing…the creation of the story we tell ourselves.

trump: make america great again…say what you will about the guy, but the story is an easy one for certain people (and i suppose almost the majority of voters) to tell themselves. “america used to be awesome. things aren’t good enough for me/us. i want things to be better…like they used to be.” power of nostalgia. power of dissatisfaction. so despite people’s fears about whether this guy was “fit” to be the president, his story won out.

hillary: stronger together…pretty “boring” story to many. and from what i saw with political ads, there was also a whole lot of, “hillary clinton: she’s not the other guy”…which isn’t much of a story either.

so i guess it turns out that selling a country on a candidate isn’t much different than selling a country on a car or a brand of potato chips? seems kinda fudged up. probably why i have a distaste for politics.

-ross

Are you 21+ OR capable of lying on the internet?