fuckboi brands


if there’s a word of the month here at downeast, it’s gotta be fuckboi.

what is a fuckboi, you may ask? why is fuckboi being hurled around with no regard for human life? well, it all started about a month ago in philly. we were tailgating a phillies game with our wholesale partners when joe timm decided to absolutely blast me with the fuckboi bombs. one second i’m enjoying a pleasant conversation with some esteemed colleagues, and BOOM! joe’s raining fuckbois on me like there’s no tomorrow.

webster’s dictionary defines fuckboi as a weak ass pussy that ain’t ’bout shit….pretty harsh, right?

the other morning we were having a discussion about ‘brand’ when we stumbled upon the realization that the term was as relevant for brands as it is for people…weak ass brands that ain’t ’bout shit.

blue moon…fuckboi beer
nickelback….fuckboi band
ruby tuesday….fuckboi chain



“we’re not scientists, we’re farmers” – business people


i was forwarded this commercial this morning:

i’m going to preface my comments by noting that we’ve done plenty of things i’ve looked back on with cringe…”why did we say that? how stupid…..”

but this ad for angry orchard is embarrassing.

“we care for and pick every cider apple in a 100 year old orchard at peak freshness”

c’mon….now, i don’t know exactly where these guys get their apples. i’ve always been under the impression that they purchase most of their juice as concentrate from europe. so sure, maybe those orchards are 100 years old. but they don’t care for and pick those apples. have you ever seen cider house rules? that’s who picks most apples (without…ya know….the sexual abuse). boston beer company doesn’t employ that frumpy old guy to pick all their apples. that’s an embarrassingly liberal “we” they’re using. it’s also super deceptive. boston beer company did indeed purchase an orchard in upstate NY for the angry orchard brand, but i doubt they get any significant amount of their total apples from that orchard. this quote is clearly trying to intentionally deceive by blurring the lines of their orchard and where they actually get most of their juice.

“we heard a rumor that yelling at apples makes them grow faster….we’re not scientists, we’re farmers”

what the fuck, boston beer company, what the fuck. first of all, i don’t understand the sentiment here. wouldn’t farmers be the best source of knowledge on how to make apples grow? why would farmers yell at apples? are farmers supposed to be morons? like, “i heard rocket ships use helium to rise into orbit…..but i’m a software engineer, not a rocket scientist”…..that would be the appropriate structure. but the bigger issue with that line:


fuck that. farmers? really? how many fucking people at boston beer company identify themselves as farmers? get the fuck out of here…farmers. boston beer company is a publicly traded company on the new york stock exchange with a market cap of $1.73 BILLION dollars. playing this frumpy old farmer card is really fucking lame.

like i said, we’ve done a ton of lame shit too, so i empathize.


only comcast….



only these comcast clowns can piss you off while giving you money.

i just had to call comcast because there was an outage. the tech guy reading the script was terribly awkward walking me through the troubleshooting so i told him he could go off-script because i’d rather he spoke more easily…that threw him off further, as instead of dropping the script (“i know this is a terrible inconvenience for you and we will ensure to fix the issue immediately”) he would alter the words (“i know this is a terrible…uhh…trouble for you and we will ensure to fix the…uhh…problem uhhh…soon”), which was tough.

anyway, he told me that if this issue was outside, it was free, if the issue was our equipment, i had to pay. well, about a month ago we had the same issue. the issue was outside, we paid. fudge. now i had to be on the phone longer to get the charge reversed by the billing department.

on with the billing person, she said it was a mistake and she’d reverse the charge. while she was reversing the charge, she tried to sell me two different services (insurance and tv/phone). i was kinda pissed. no apology, only more sales. i told her this irked me. this is where we hit the most offensive thing of all. she immediately offered me an additional $20 credit that is reserved for when they have an issue, fix it, and the issue persists. an “inconvenience” credit she called it. but apparently it’s only given if you complain? if i didn’t complain i wouldn’t have gotten it. that’s bullshit. and so dumb. they’re treating their customers like a pack of stupid beasts….and maybe we are for continuing to tuck tail and bow to master.

fuck you, comcast…sir.



reflections on a winter away


as we pack up on our last day in park city, i think it’s appropriate to reflect on my time here:

1. i’ve yet to find much in life that beats a powder day.
•   i don’t know what it is, i wish i could explain it to those that don’t ski, or don’t ski well. i guess it’s kind of like flying? but so is skiing a groomed trail…but it just ain’t the same. you’re gonna have to take my word, nothing beats a powder day.

2. not all powder days are made equal, but they all kick ass
•  sure, 30 inches of “right side up*” blower on a bluebird day is pretty sweet, but it’s also no secret to everyone with wood planks within 2 hours of the mountains. how about the day that was supposed to be rain, but it was actually snowing up top and the mountain is empty? or the “afternoon snow showers” that ended up dropping a foot and it’s “free refills” every run better than the last? or the dense snow and wind that created a smooth-as-butter creamy surface that you can just smear around on? all good options.

3. i only wore 1 pair of pants, never washed (excluding ski gear)
•  i’m not 100% sure why, and what i was trying to prove, but i did it and you can’t take it away from me.

4. i didn’t cut a head hair or trim beard hair
•  i went from this guy
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•  to this guy
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5.  i miss boston food
•  park city’s a cool town, but a spectacular meal for 2 costs like $200…boston’s not cheap, but there’s so much competition, you can blow your mind for under a hundred bucks, and often way less. the second we get back, i’m going to buy an anna’s burrito, blend it into liquid, and mainline that thing like i’m jared leto in requiem for a dream.

6. do that thing you’ve always wanted to do
•  i bet you can come up with some pretty good excuses not to do it, but you’ll end up too old or too dead before you do.


*if the temperature drops throughout a storm, the snow’s density is heaviest at the bottom, which creates a nice pad to any crust underneath, and lightest at the top, making it easier to control your skis. the reverse creates an awkward skiing surface

too harsh?


nothing like a good old-fashioned twitter beef. especially when it’s all in good fun….which begs the question, was this too harsh? did i cross a line? my 18-1 wound still stings from time to time, so i get it. but they did take a shot at boston and there’s not much we like better than getting overly defensive about our city…you be the judge:

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(for the non basketball folks, seattle’s nba team was moved to OKC)


david price story


given the good news about david price today, i figured i’d share my golf story. a few years ago i was playing a round at granite links in quincy. i was walking the course on a saturday and as is prone to happen, it got a little jammed up. being alone, i was butting up to the twosome in front of me around the 6th hole. they asked if i wanted to jump in, i said sure.

i immediately noticed that they had a “legit” golf feel. now, i’m a decent golfer, 3 handicap at my best, but i didn’t start playing until i was 19, so i’m not super knowledgable. but i could tell something was legit. they both looked athletic and had really nice looking nike equipment…shoes, clothes, gloves, hats, clubs…everything was brand new.

as we’re teeing off, i’m expecting a couple of scratch golfers. both were athletic and long, but neither striped it down the middle. odd. they were riding a cart and asked if i wanted to hop on the back of the cart. sure, i said.

as we’re driving, i noticed one of them had a baseball head cover. the other had a vanderbilt head cover and a bunch of other vandy stuff in the bag (and some sweet jordan’s). i started putting 2 and 2 together. they introduced themselves as cesar and david. david was really tall and skinny. nice nike gear. baseball head cover…was this guy cy young winner david price? i thought he went to vandy, but this guy was a twig…he’s a professional athlete?

when i got off the cart, i had to ask. “so…are you guys baseball players?”



the second guy was cesar chavez, another pitcher on the rays. i asked them a few questions after that, but i didn’t want to bug them while they were golfing, so i eventually dropped it. i’m sure they get enough of that as is. the 2 interesting things that came up were 1. they wanted to play the country club in brookline, but were denied. and 2. they have a golf concierge on the team. when they travel, they tell the concierge where and when they want to play and everything gets set up, clubs delivered, all they have to do is show up. as a starting pitcher, you’re pitching or throwing a bullpen sessions about 20% of days…the other 80% they’re free to golf. not a bad way perk of the job, aside from the 9 figure contracts of course.

a note about david’s golf game, it was clear that if he played a lot, he would have been really, really good. i’ve never played with a longer hitter…he was like, dali lama long. we were playing from the tips, and on a long par 3 – about 205 yards to the pin – david was on the tee. if you’ve ever played granite links, you know how windy it gets. it was blowing hard directly in our face. i was holding my 3 wood. cesar leaned in and was like, “check this out, david can fucking crush it.” david took a smooth swing and i watched as the ball flew the green and landed in a bunker about 10 yards off the back. i asked david what stick he was using and he showed me his 6. he flew a 6 iron 230 yards into a stiff wind! that’s insane. for those that don’t golf, an average pro hits a 6 185, i hit it like 165. (fwiw, i hit my 3 wood pure and came up short)

anyway, i’m glad everything’s okay with david’s arm. he and cesar were really nice guys, you would never have known they were “big shot” athletes or anything like that. sox are looking good this year…it’s great to live in the city of champions.


pissing people off and snow pukes


so my last post angered a lot of people. i get it. “if you had just taken a little more time, don’t you think you could have smoothed out the edges?”…was the most common constructive feedback.

*”fuck you, ya asshole” – or some similar sentiment – would probably be the most common general feedback*

yes. i could have. but i’m not a blogger. i help operate a hard cider company and somewhere wayyyy down on the list of things i’d call my “day to day responsibilities” is offer my thoughts on the blog as a transparent peek inside the company. the more time i spend perfecting the blog, the less people will have heard of downeast and get pissed at me. damned if i do, damned if i don’t.

the thing about transparency is that people love it until they don’t. you don’t pick and choose transparency. in my opinion, the beauty of it lies in the ugly of it…the stuff that you wanted to see but shouldn’t have or the stuff you didn’t want to see that you did.

my one regret was disagreeing with some guy who claimed i was an asshole because i turned him down for a sales gig a couple years ago. i didn’t need to publicly call him on that. other than that, i stand behind the whole thing. we’re just some guys and gals that make cider and like to have fun with the whole thing. people have always disagreed with every aspect of what we do, whether it’s the unfiltered cider (“that’s F’N stupid! our customers won’t buy it”), our business strategy (“that’s F’N stupid! you need industry vets”), or our attitude (“that’s F’N stupid! you can’t say that”). oh well, we’ll keep doing us, they can do them. i’ve always said that i’d prefer 1 in 10 people loved us than all 10 thinking we were decent. it seems that the other 9 now loath us – or me? – but that’s fine…we’re all about that 1…and we love you too.

on a completely unrelated note – and perhaps turning you few lovers against me – the last 5 days of skiing have been deep utah blower you dream about. it was so deep yesterday that on two separate occasions, i found myself retching and dry heaving at the bottom of the run because i’d been eating so much snow from face shots. it was a legitimate issue.


that’s not me, but that’s what was going on. first chair to last. indescribable.

PS – soooooo many: “you’re stupid and wrong, you should do X and Y and Z to build a successfull business, trust me” signed some guy from UMASS class of 2021 slash part-time barista at starbucks slash still lives in mom’s basement…thanks for the sage advice, man 😉


i need to bitch for a moment…we’re hiring


first, i’d like to say i’m probably not a great “hiring manager”. i haven’t (personally) hired that many people…maybe 10-20. so i guess as a bit of insurance for someone saying “you’re not doing it right!!”…yeah, probably not.

now that that’s out of the way, i posted a job (brand manager) a few days ago and it is making me more miserable than anything in recent memory. the following – in no particular order – is driving me insane…if you’re currently applying for a job somewhere, maybe some of this is relevant…but i really hope not:

  • meaningless job description buzzwords
    •           “achieved synergies within core competency of day-to-day disruptive leverage utilization”
    •           that doesn’t make you look smart, it makes you look insecure.
  • meaningless accomplishments without context
    •           “increased sales of X by 140%”
    •           that means fucking nothing!!! relative to what expectation?….maybe the goal was 200%. relative to what market context?…maybe your competitors all increased 300%. relative to what production growth or restraints?…maybe ops overcame a production hurdle. it’s an insult to my intelligence that the assumption is X growth is 100% correlated to your effort.
  • horrible formatting on resume
    •           i don’t mean “not my preference font”. i mean extra blank pages, gross grammatical mistakes, foreign characters and shapes and shit…how can you graduate magna cum laude and misspell magna cum laude…madness!!
  • no cover letter
    •           even a “i’d love to discuss the opportunity” would be better than nothing…it’s like sending a dick pic in your first text to a blind date…for the love of god, ease into it a little.
    •           although, i’m not sure which is worse, no cover letter or the horribly formatted copy and paste cover letter where everything is the same font except the words “downeast cider house” and “brand manager”…at least your incompetence shines through so i don’t have to waste my time to see your resume is 4 pages of double-spaced buzzword garbage with 3 blank pages tossed in at the end.
  • the in-person resume drop-off
    •           get the fuck out of here you selfish asshole! that doesn’t show you want the job more than everyone else, it shows an extreme lack of awareness and respect for people’s time.
  • number 1 reason to hire me: i love your cider!
    •           that’s awesome, but insane rationale. i love myers and chang but i have no business in their kitchen.
  • similarly…”i’m a borderline alcoholic” for your cider
    •           not joking, gotten this more than once and uhhhh…seek help? i think i’d actually have a bigger problem hiring someone who doesn’t see sliiiiiigghhht imperfection of that joke than a raging alcoholic.
  • “i’m a marketing guru/virtuoso/genius/etc…”
    •           you’re a fucking clown. calling oneself a genius with a straight face is an assurance that one is not a genius.
    •           oh thank god, i was getting tired of looking and with such a witty, brave, and ABSOLUTELY FUCKING ORIGINAL subject line, how could i possibly continue to look.
  • “forget about a resume, let me tell you…”
    •           i actually like this one. it’s not clever or bold. it’s an easy identifier for “not qualified”. appreciate the time-saver.
  • “i know i don’t have what you asked for, but…”
    •           now that i think of it, who needs a “good education” and “relevant experience” when i could have someone that can recite the alphabet backwards in less than 30 seconds…
  • “what, exactly, did you mean by ‘not the experience we are looking for’?”
    •           you’re a junior in college and your only work experience is camp counselor when you were 13…how the fuck is that unclear?
  • “and did i mention i went to harvard?”
    •           fuck you…but fine, we’ll talk…but still fuck you.


edit: oh yeah. if you’re interested in making me more miserable: see brand manager


cupid 40 hands, joey dog nuts, and shenanigans on the slinger’s thread


slinging cider can be a lonely gig at times which is why we have the cider slinger’s text thread. enjoy some selections from the past week or so.

joe and carolyn doing something, i won’t ask questions:

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taking the growler for a legal test-drive, also won’t ask questions…also don’t need to:

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perhaps our first serious HR situation….max bullying joe relentlessly:

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hmmm….max bullying another joe…note to self, be nice to max:

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the valentine we all dream about…cupid 40 hands:

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it usually isn’t ironic


i’ve got one hand in my pocket, and it’s not ironic in the least bit

*warning, it is HIGHLY unlikely you’re going to look back on this read as a worthwhile investment of your time.

Image result for alanis morissette 1990s

this has been bleeding my dry the last couple weeks. if cambria hears me complain about alanis morissette’s ‘ironic’ one more time, she’s gonna go back to boston early.

like every normal human being, 3-10 times per week i find myself ripping though a chorus of…it’s like raaaaeeeeaaaaainnn on your weddiiiiiiiiing dayyyyyyy!!*when it hits me every time: that’s not irony. rain on your wedding day is inconvenient, but it’s not ironic!

(*you just crushed it in your head. i know you did. it felt good though, right?…like raaaeeeeaaaiinnnn…)

irony is when something happens opposite the expectation. a rainy wedding is a very real possibility. if you are having your wedding at a special place in the desert that hasn’t rained for 10 years, and it rains: boom, ironic. normal wedding rain: inconvenient.

so without further adieu, something i need to know and am exploring as i type, how many of alanis’s ironic situations are actually ironic? let’s find out:

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day

yes, ironic…morose though

It’s a black fly in your Chardonnay

hell no! what, because it’s a white wine and a black fly? as opposed to another colored fly? waiter hands a table their wine glasses. one has a black fly in it….a million times that could happen and nobody responds: “oh, how ironic.” nobody.

It’s a death row pardon two minutes too late

closer, but still not ironic.

It’s like rain on your wedding day

we went over this. no.

It’s a free ride when you’ve already paid


It’s the good advice that you just didn’t take

“you should stand up for yourself.”
(gets scolded at work, says nothing)
….i fail to see irony in that.

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids good-bye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
“Well, isn’t this nice.”

yes, ironic. yes, morose

A traffic jam when you’re already late

nope. that’s sometimes referred to as “going from bad to worse”.

A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break

that’s only ironic in a specific, unlikely situations, like if the sign was in proximity to a cigarette plant. no.

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife

totally situational, but i say no. why are there 10,000 spoons without a knife? that’s not happening at random. maybe you’re at a warehouse that just took in a pallet of spoons. and you need a knife for a sandwich? well, maybe that’s a little ironic.

It’s meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife

how old is he? if he’s truly the man of someone’s dreams, he’s probably more than capable of finding a wife. it’s not unlikely that he’s be married. no.

so there are 2 dead guys subjected to tragically ironic deaths, spoons, and a bunch of misfortunate situations. either alanis isn’t 100% clear on the difference between irony and misfortune, or she’s legitimately asking.


Are you 21+ OR capable of lying on the internet?