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i need to bitch for a moment…we’re hiring

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first, i’d like to say i’m probably not a great “hiring manager”. i haven’t (personally) hired that many people…maybe 10-20. so i guess as a bit of insurance for someone saying “you’re not doing it right!!”…yeah, probably not.

now that that’s out of the way, i posted a job (brand manager) a few days ago and it is making me more miserable than anything in recent memory. the following – in no particular order – is driving me insane…if you’re currently applying for a job somewhere, maybe some of this is relevant…but i really hope not:

  • meaningless job description buzzwords
    •           “achieved synergies within core competency of day-to-day disruptive leverage utilization”
    •           that doesn’t make you look smart, it makes you look insecure.
  • meaningless accomplishments without context
    •           “increased sales of X by 140%”
    •           that means fucking nothing!!! relative to what expectation?….maybe the goal was 200%. relative to what market context?…maybe your competitors all increased 300%. relative to what production growth or restraints?…maybe ops overcame a production hurdle. it’s an insult to my intelligence that the assumption is X growth is 100% correlated to your effort.
  • horrible formatting on resume
    •           i don’t mean “not my preference font”. i mean extra blank pages, gross grammatical mistakes, foreign characters and shapes and shit…how can you graduate magna cum laude and misspell magna cum laude…madness!!
  • no cover letter
    •           even a “i’d love to discuss the opportunity” would be better than nothing…it’s like sending a dick pic in your first text to a blind date…for the love of god, ease into it a little.
    •           although, i’m not sure which is worse, no cover letter or the horribly formatted copy and paste cover letter where everything is the same font except the words “downeast cider house” and “brand manager”…at least your incompetence shines through so i don’t have to waste my time to see your resume is 4 pages of double-spaced buzzword garbage with 3 blank pages tossed in at the end.
  • the in-person resume drop-off
    •           get the fuck out of here you selfish asshole! that doesn’t show you want the job more than everyone else, it shows an extreme lack of awareness and respect for people’s time.
  • number 1 reason to hire me: i love your cider!
    •           that’s awesome, but insane rationale. i love myers and chang but i have no business in their kitchen.
  • similarly…”i’m a borderline alcoholic” for your cider
    •           not joking, gotten this more than once and uhhhh…seek help? i think i’d actually have a bigger problem hiring someone who doesn’t see sliiiiiigghhht imperfection of that joke than a raging alcoholic.
  • “i’m a marketing guru/virtuoso/genius/etc…”
    •           you’re a fucking clown. calling oneself a genius with a straight face is an assurance that one is not a genius.
  • “STOP YOUR SEARCH! I’M YOUR GUY/GAL.”
    •           oh thank god, i was getting tired of looking and with such a witty, brave, and ABSOLUTELY FUCKING ORIGINAL subject line, how could i possibly continue to look.
  • “forget about a resume, let me tell you…”
    •           i actually like this one. it’s not clever or bold. it’s an easy identifier for “not qualified”. appreciate the time-saver.
  • “i know i don’t have what you asked for, but…”
    •           now that i think of it, who needs a “good education” and “relevant experience” when i could have someone that can recite the alphabet backwards in less than 30 seconds…
  • “what, exactly, did you mean by ‘not the experience we are looking for’?”
    •           you’re a junior in college and your only work experience is camp counselor when you were 13…how the fuck is that unclear?
  • “and did i mention i went to harvard?”
    •           fuck you…but fine, we’ll talk…but still fuck you.

ugh.

edit: oh yeah. if you’re interested in making me more miserable: see brand manager

-ross

17 Responses

  1. Angela Murphy says:

    I don’t intend to add to your misery, but your bitching made my day! I hope you find the right person to promote your brand, and selflessly I hope you branch out nationally before I get too old to drink the stuff. Listing your grievances will greatly help my husband and I as we transition out of active duty to the civilian sector! Good luck with your search.

    • Connor says:

      Ross,

      Have you considered refining your job description to control the quality of candidates you are getting? I’d start there instead of taking the time to nicely lay out your complaints.. I can actually tell you are bad at hiring from your poor approach to publicity; potentially mitigating marketing/sales efforts. I would imagine that you might want to make yourself look like a more attractive employer if you want to attract and retain top talent.

      Oh and by the way this site’s UI is poor on a handheld device.
      I’ll probably find new cider to drink. Unless I get this stuff for free!

      Connor

  2. Chris says:

    This post is amazing! 😂 I will be sure to apply. At the very least, I would like to meet you during an interview.

  3. Mariana says:

    If you need to Bitch who better than a woman. I joke and digress. This is totally witty and true many people apply to jobs hoping that their cover letter is funny and and will get them a job. I had someone ask me to read his/her resume and he or she listed skydiving as a qualification for the job They talked about unique resumes that made the news and got
    Then the job.

  4. Tyler Green says:

    That was fuckin amazing.

  5. Juliana Discipio says:

    This just made my entire night.

  6. Jacob Shaps says:

    So…still hiring?

  7. Rockstar goalie says:

    I think you may be my spirit animal. As an HR manager, I wonder how people are fully able to function on a daily basis. Best wishes in your hiring, the right one is out there! PS thank you for saying all the things I would love to say everyday but am far to PC to deal with the extra drama.

  8. Phil says:

    Y’all Niggas still hiring?

  9. K L Chamberlain says:

    You made my day! Hope you find someone soon.

  10. CDM says:

    I feel your pain. Thanks for being so publically you. Love your cider, but really love the blunt honesty.

  11. j says:

    Bitching about the poor quality of applicants in a blog post with no capital letters… classy. Do you pay a fair, living wage? Have you created a professional work environment where people want to work? If you’re not getting the quality of applicant you’d like, maybe think about why more qualified people aren’t applying. “But you get a lot of free cider” isn’t a perk that will attract top quality talent on its own.

  12. Tim says:

    Wow. Stop your bitching and do your job. I’m sure crushing the efforts of those who want to work next to you may make you feel funny, but lady it makes you look lazy. Stop judging people cause they don’t fit in your mold of how to make an impression. Remember you have only hired 10 people but of course you’re super qualified to judge.

  13. Lori says:

    This is the best thing I have read all week! Thank you! I so wish I had the qualifications to apply because, well, what am awesome place to work.

  14. Mike says:

    Fuck Connor. Also, great blog. Made my day. Hiring sucks but terrible emails make it so much easier to hit the trash button.

  15. Sam says:

    Wow, what an ass. I agree resumes and cover letters can be bad, its an unnecessary but real part of hiring new individuals to join your team. Applicants, like new cider distilleries, need hope for a better future. When your company was first peddling its product, I’m sure not everything you did was professional/not annoying. I would look into your job posting/resume system and find a better way to get self-selected/filtered resumes to hit your desk.

    Though I dont have the buying power to make more than a drop in the bucket. Here’s one customer who will never buy your product as long as this is management’s attitude and will instruct others I know not to do so as well.

  16. Todd says:

    While you are complaining about formatting on people’s CV, you should look at this webpage on an iPad or phone.

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