first, i’d like to say i’m probably not a great “hiring manager”. i haven’t (personally) hired that many people…maybe 10-20. so i guess as a bit of insurance for someone saying “you’re not doing it right!!”…yeah, probably not.
now that that’s out of the way, i posted a job (brand manager) a few days ago and it is making me more miserable than anything in recent memory. the following – in no particular order – is driving me insane…if you’re currently applying for a job somewhere, maybe some of this is relevant…but i really hope not:
- meaningless job description buzzwords
- “achieved synergies within core competency of day-to-day disruptive leverage utilization”
- that doesn’t make you look smart, it makes you look insecure.
- meaningless accomplishments without context
- “increased sales of X by 140%”
- that means fucking nothing!!! relative to what expectation?….maybe the goal was 200%. relative to what market context?…maybe your competitors all increased 300%. relative to what production growth or restraints?…maybe ops overcame a production hurdle. it’s an insult to my intelligence that the assumption is X growth is 100% correlated to your effort.
- horrible formatting on resume
- i don’t mean “not my preference font”. i mean extra blank pages, gross grammatical mistakes, foreign characters and shapes and shit…how can you graduate magna cum laude and misspell magna cum laude…madness!!
- no cover letter
- even a “i’d love to discuss the opportunity” would be better than nothing…it’s like sending a dick pic in your first text to a blind date…for the love of god, ease into it a little.
- although, i’m not sure which is worse, no cover letter or the horribly formatted copy and paste cover letter where everything is the same font except the words “downeast cider house” and “brand manager”…at least your incompetence shines through so i don’t have to waste my time to see your resume is 4 pages of double-spaced buzzword garbage with 3 blank pages tossed in at the end.
- the in-person resume drop-off
- get the fuck out of here you selfish asshole! that doesn’t show you want the job more than everyone else, it shows an extreme lack of awareness and respect for people’s time.
- number 1 reason to hire me: i love your cider!
- that’s awesome, but insane rationale. i love myers and chang but i have no business in their kitchen.
- similarly…”i’m a borderline alcoholic” for your cider
- not joking, gotten this more than once and uhhhh…seek help? i think i’d actually have a bigger problem hiring someone who doesn’t see sliiiiiigghhht imperfection of that joke than a raging alcoholic.
- “i’m a marketing guru/virtuoso/genius/etc…”
- you’re a fucking clown. calling oneself a genius with a straight face is an assurance that one is not a genius.
- “STOP YOUR SEARCH! I’M YOUR GUY/GAL.”
- oh thank god, i was getting tired of looking and with such a witty, brave, and ABSOLUTELY FUCKING ORIGINAL subject line, how could i possibly continue to look.
- “forget about a resume, let me tell you…”
- i actually like this one. it’s not clever or bold. it’s an easy identifier for “not qualified”. appreciate the time-saver.
- “i know i don’t have what you asked for, but…”
- now that i think of it, who needs a “good education” and “relevant experience” when i could have someone that can recite the alphabet backwards in less than 30 seconds…
- “what, exactly, did you mean by ‘not the experience we are looking for’?”
- you’re a junior in college and your only work experience is camp counselor when you were 13…how the fuck is that unclear?
- “and did i mention i went to harvard?”
- fuck you…but fine, we’ll talk…but still fuck you.
edit: oh yeah. if you’re interested in making me more miserable: see brand manager