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it usually isn’t ironic

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i’ve got one hand in my pocket, and it’s not ironic in the least bit

*warning, it is HIGHLY unlikely you’re going to look back on this read as a worthwhile investment of your time.

Image result for alanis morissette 1990s

this has been bleeding my dry the last couple weeks. if cambria hears me complain about alanis morissette’s ‘ironic’ one more time, she’s gonna go back to boston early.

like every normal human being, 3-10 times per week i find myself ripping though a chorus of…it’s like raaaaeeeeaaaaainnn on your weddiiiiiiiiing dayyyyyyy!!*when it hits me every time: that’s not irony. rain on your wedding day is inconvenient, but it’s not ironic!

(*you just crushed it in your head. i know you did. it felt good though, right?…like raaaeeeeaaaiinnnn…)

irony is when something happens opposite the expectation. a rainy wedding is a very real possibility. if you are having your wedding at a special place in the desert that hasn’t rained for 10 years, and it rains: boom, ironic. normal wedding rain: inconvenient.

so without further adieu, something i need to know and am exploring as i type, how many of alanis’s ironic situations are actually ironic? let’s find out:

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day

yes, ironic…morose though

It’s a black fly in your Chardonnay

hell no! what, because it’s a white wine and a black fly? as opposed to another colored fly? waiter hands a table their wine glasses. one has a black fly in it….a million times that could happen and nobody responds: “oh, how ironic.” nobody.

It’s a death row pardon two minutes too late

closer, but still not ironic.

It’s like rain on your wedding day

we went over this. no.

It’s a free ride when you’ve already paid

no.

It’s the good advice that you just didn’t take

no:
“you should stand up for yourself.”
(gets scolded at work, says nothing)
….i fail to see irony in that.

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids good-bye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
“Well, isn’t this nice.”

yes, ironic. yes, morose

A traffic jam when you’re already late

nope. that’s sometimes referred to as “going from bad to worse”.

A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break

that’s only ironic in a specific, unlikely situations, like if the sign was in proximity to a cigarette plant. no.

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife

totally situational, but i say no. why are there 10,000 spoons without a knife? that’s not happening at random. maybe you’re at a warehouse that just took in a pallet of spoons. and you need a knife for a sandwich? well, maybe that’s a little ironic.

It’s meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife

how old is he? if he’s truly the man of someone’s dreams, he’s probably more than capable of finding a wife. it’s not unlikely that he’s be married. no.

so there are 2 dead guys subjected to tragically ironic deaths, spoons, and a bunch of misfortunate situations. either alanis isn’t 100% clear on the difference between irony and misfortune, or she’s legitimately asking.

-ross

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